Matthew "Uhnaun Imos" Luongo on Steve Austin

Why Steve Austin Sucks, and Why the Undertaker is Infinitely Better in all Aspects of Wrestling

   First off, I must say this. Steve Austin WAS, but never will be again, a good technical wrestler. He was very "different" in WCW, but he was by no means an unstoppable force that the WWF makes him. He's made into a supernatural force stronger than the Undertaker, unyielding to attacks, and a bar room brawler. Actually all that means is Steve Austin refuses to sell punches thrown by anyone in the WWF. He's so lucky that no one punches with as much force as I do. He reminds me of Bret Hart when it comes to this. Bret would fight back when it's totally and completely unrealistic. No one that is under 6'5" and 300 lbs. should be ALLOWED to go punch for punch with wrestlers like the Undertaker, or Kane. Don't get me wrong, Kane is a worthless piece of Big Red shit, but still. It's in the character to be unstoppable, and I have more respect for Kane when it comes to doing his J. O. B., something the Undertaker has done way too, and so often, that it has become second nature to allow Steve Austin to maintain the upper hand in matches so the crowd stays behind Austin because he's the trend, and the at home viewers don't change the channel. If this were to change right now, the WWF's ratings would go down, but this commentary is explaining why things should have never become like this, and why it's important for people to realize why Austin is so bad.

   If you started watching wrestling after 1996, or because of "Stone Cold," I hate you, because you fuel his undeserved artificial popularity. For Christ's sake, he was beaten by Mikey Whipwreck! Does this mean that Mikey can beat the Undertaker?! I think not....all it means is that ECW realized Austin was good for nothing, and deserves to be dragged to the backyard, and shot. If you like Steve Austin because of his moves, you can go fuck yourself. His moves require no athletic ability at all. The Stunner is THEE worst finishing move in recorded history. There is no reasonable finisher worse, or more overrated. It's very easy to do as well, thus meaning he was looking for something he couldn't mess up if he tried. That means he's a piece of shit if you can't tell. Oh yeah, if you disagree with this, I hate you, and you deserve to die. If you think the Lou Thez Press is something special, you need to get your head examined. If I walked out on an NWA show and did a Thez Press everyone would pop for me cause it's a move Austin does. If I did that before Austin came about, no one would care. All it is, is another move Austin wanted to do cause it was easy to pull off. Austin does an elbow drop he ripped off Bret Hart with. Anyone who rips off Bret Hart is a sorry piece of recycled shit. Now he even does it through tables, and I'll bet the farm his fans think he's gone "Hardcore." Well Oh My Fucking God! What a move! Ladies and gents, hand over your chairs to Mr. Austin because he's gonna get extreme. I think not. That move couldn't hospitalize my 87 year old great-grandmother. Just another move to make him look better than he really is. Austin does an assortment of kicks, punches, and finger gestures that get him over with the crowd quite well. It's a shame that no one else has picked up on the punches and kicks, cause than everyone would be as over as Austin. Oh wait, they's just that since Austin does it, it's so much "cooler."

   Well friends, this brings me to the crossroads. There's a man in the WWF by the name of Mark Callaway. He's bigger, stronger, quicker, more agile, has the best gimmick ever, is intelligent, respected by all wrestlers, and is a perfect example of a wrestler that knows what he's doing (ed's note, and he is sweet looking!). He's not dangerous to other wrestlers like Austin, he takes moves, he wrestlers with injuries, he has countless moves, no boundaries and that certain knack to write amazing story lines. He is extreme. If you are sitting there saying, yeah right, what is this guy talking about, you are delusional. The Undertaker puts his body at risk more than most guys in the WWF with the exception of the cruiserweights, and that's saying something. I've never seen guys his size do planchas without having to use the ropes to get over. He clears the ropes. May I remind you he's 6'10 1/2", and 328 lbs. Other large men I'm referring to are Buh-Buh Ray Dudley, Kane, and Diesel, none of which ever cleared the top rope, rather just sorta fell...over the ropes. He's got incredible power. To Tombstone Vader as if Vader were just some lightweight schmo is amazing. I give Kane credit for doing it, but every time he did, he almost fell over. The only man to do something more impressive was Mark Henry. He gorilla pressed Vader, but he's also the strongest man in the world. The Undertaker has approximately a four foot vertical leap, flexibility, and stamina. Austin has none of this. It's in Austin's contract to not take piledrivers, and apparently all other moves. The Undertaker takes every move he can.

   Austin's image of a bad ass that can take out anyone because he's from Texas is appalling. The Undertaker is also from Texas, and well keeping everything I said before in mind, who really should be the unstoppable one? I know it's all gimmick, but at least the Undertaker has one. What I want to know is how the Hell did Austin ever get to be so popular? It was obviously not because he had skill, or anything like that. Oh wait, I know. It's because this could have been done with ANYBODY. If the WWF wanted to make Barry Horowitz into superman, they could. The Undertaker earned his respect over years of hard work, improving his skills, and working on his angles. Austin has leached off the Overputter's hard work. When I say the Overputter I'm referring to The Undertaker. He has put over just enough people to keep the fans interested in the other guys, and what the Undertaker will do to them, so the fans can see how they are going to get back at the Undertaker. He put over Austin, he put over Kane, he put over the Rock, he put over Vader, he put over Mankind. Now that he only puts over Austin, look who has all the attention. When ANYONE popular fights Austin, they become a heel. The only reason Shamrock became a heel was because of Austin, now no one gives a damn whether they see Ken or not. Another thing! Why is it that the crowd is SO into Kane's matches? They feel so bad for the Big Red Retard that they cheer like crazy when he does pitiful versions of the Undertaker's moves. Granted I like to hear the crowd cheer for moves, but not for Kane! They actually think that the man, Glenn Jacobs, acting as Kane is a better wrestler and more powerful than the Undertaker! That's insane, and insults my intelligence! But if you notice, the only time the crowd is into any match is if it's before Austin even shows up. Once Austin gets there, the crowd is in a haze and doesn't cheer for anything except the Rock's, The Godfather's, and DX's nursery rhymes. Thus proving that Austin has ruined wrestling for the competitive fan. The ones that like to see moves! All they wanna see is Austin come out and do Stunners, and I hate it, and A LOT of other people hate it too. More people than the WWF wants you to know about. It only takes so many people to make such a loud noise in an arena. If 5,000 are cheering for Austin, 15,000 are not. If you go back to when the Undertaker was the top guy in 1995 there were so many more people cheering for him it's not funny. He was more popular than Austin is now. The only reason it's so obvious for Austin is because the announcers even orgasm over him. The cheering doesn't last for 5 minutes like it would for the Undertaker. It's more like 20-30 seconds than a normal crowd noise. Whenever the crowd sees Austin in the back on the Titantron, they cheer for him for a couple seconds. When they saw the Undertaker on RAW when the Higher Power came out, they cheered, but than it turned into boos. It's kind of strange, the crowd still wants to cheer for him, because he's the greatest thing to ever happen to wrestling, but than they say, "Oh wait, he's against Austin, let's boo him!" It reminds me of when the British Bulldog turned heel. His music would start up and since he was so loved, the crowd would roar, and than fade to boos.
   In and out of the ring, Austin is a piece of shit. He didn't show up to Owen Hart's funeral because he can't deal with death. How decadent? That was off topic, but I just thought you Austin fans out there should know how GREAT of a person he is.
   A while back when Austin was fired from WCW, he made fun of WCW for doing so, for never giving him the position he "deserves." When you deserve nothing, you're always getting what you deserve so I don't I understand what he's talking about. He made fun of Eric Bischoff and WCW in general, when WCW knew that he could do nothing himself to prove that he was worthy of the spotlight, along with ECW. They made him job to Mikey Whipwreck because Austin was just not worth giving anything. The WWF saw Austin as a new guy and they could do something with him because nothing had be done before. The thing that few people know is that Undertaker was the guy who said to use Austin as a stepping stone to higher ratings. The Undertaker strategically placed Austin where he is, and Vince as a heel, and created the hardcore division, because all of this got ratings for the WWF. Now the WWF is getting higher ratings than both feds combined did in 1997. Thank you Mr. Callaway. What has Austin done? Use the Undertaker's ideas to the fullest, milked it for everything it's worth, and barely allows anyone, especially the Undertaker to get any kind of substanital offense against him.

     There's this thing about Austin fans. They all seem to think he's the best "wrestler" ever, when in fact he doesn't really wrestle. To wrestle, you must put on a show, that is entertaining, has a point to the match, flows properly, and has moves. Austin's matches are the same everytime. They start out with him beating up the guy unrealisticly, fading into him beating up the guy more unrealisticly, maybe the other guy will get some brief offense, than Austin turns it around again, and at some points he ACTUALLY refuses to allow the other guy to get offense at all. I think of it like this. If you like Steve Austin because you were a Stunning Steve fan, and have liked him forever, I respect you. But when you say you watch wrestling because Steve Austin is so great, I have no respect for you, and frankly, I wish you would just crawl under a rock and watch Steve Austin videos until you die. People will actually argue with me about this and try to bring up points about Austin that are good. When they can't find any besides, he's a great brawler, which that in itself is one of the most heinous reasons anyone can use to say someone is a good wrestler, they get mad, and start calling me names.
   The mentality of the average Austin fan, and the average Undertaker fan differs greatly as well. Put it this way, Undertaker fans are more intelligent that Austin fans. Don't argue with it, because if you like Austin, I can safely assume you probably aren't smarter than I am. You probably like seeing him come out in vehicles and think that's good wrestling too. When the WWF notices Austin's popularity is going down in the slightest, they have him drive out in something big and mechanical, so it gets him over for a couple weeks. These are the same hick-like beings living in a precaveman phase of evolution with the mentality of three year olds, who are not cheering for Austin, yet the big truck, because that's all they want to see. I can imagine the drunk guy that lives in the apartment next to me, swilling his beer cheering for Austin, beating his kid, and going nuts because Austin comes out and promotes drinking and driving.
That's right cats and kittens. Your great American hero was drinking and driving, and not wearing a seat belt! When he came out in that monster truck, he was thrown a beer, he drank it, got back in the truck and drove off beer in hand...that fucking piece of decadent shit did it again. He's possibly the worst role model there could be for kids. I bet you didn't know that there is a kid in America wearing a surgically implanted halo because he did the Stunner wrong! He did it WRONG! That means he's dumber than Austin! This is incredible! When will it come to a fucking end!? When a crazed fan shoots Austin, that's when.

Another thing I don't understand is the fact that no matter how many times Steve Austin blatantly messes up in a match, the fans don't realize it and don't seem to care as well, but God forbid the Undertaker ever messes up one of Steve Austin's moves (hopefully intentionally), they will be the first ones to tell you how bad it was. Let's compare the Undertaker doing something wrong once a month, to Austin doing something right once a year....what they are saying is it's OK for Austin to suck because we like him but because we like him means he doesn't suck. Oh no wait, it means Austin is fucking horrible and it's OK for him to mess up because he's gonna do it anyway, it's apparently in his blood to just not do well. I know I'm going on and on about how he has no skill and you're thinking that's not all wrestling is. Well sorry, YES that's what it is, the really horrible wrestlers that wrestled pathetically and lost for all that time in the 80s always said they were the best, but you KNEW they weren't, and the commentators never said they were. Now Austin KNOWS he sucks, doesn't care, and the fans don't either, thus not really making him all that much of a wrestler, and the commentators make him out to be God's gift to wrestling, when in fact he has used the brains in the WWF to his advantage, and wrestling was his guardian angel. Sorry Bossman....but it's true, whether you believe me or not I don't really give a shit, but hey, if this changes a few minds out there, I'll be happy. Our population is slowly growing, and multiplying all the time. The legions of Undertaker fans that still exist are rallying...and there's nothing the WWF can do to stop it once it the chain is securely fastened across this country. When Steve Austin goes down, he will go down hard, and everyone will know who is the REAL leader, ICON, conscience, standard setter, zenith, apex, and pinnacle of wrestling.

Steve Austin proves to me time and time again, every single week, that he is the most worthless, disgusting, abhorred, vile, wretched, scum sucking piece of monkey shit I've ever seen. I've heard about people coming on and say they have nothing against Steve Austin, but that only means they haven't been enlightened. And also, for some reason, people seem to think that KANE, is being depushed as much as the Undertaker!!!! KANE!!!! The man who was GIVEN poetic license to use the Undertaker's EX gimmick and make it as horrifyingly pathetic as he wants to because he as well as Austin, have absolutely ZERO wrestling ability and otherwise, no gimmick is good for them. So let's call Glenn Jacobs, Mr. Insert Wrestler Here. You people who like Kane and Austin make me sick. Just breathing makes you guilty to this crime.

The Undertaker has had SO many injuries it's getting difficult to count them. If the man can walk, he can wrestle. I wanna know how The Undertaker can be so tall, so heavy, have such bad knees, and be so manueverable, while Steve Austin has one bad knee, but can't even jump for a chokeslam. The Undertaker is going to have hip replacement surgery and may be gone longer than he wants to be, but he can change that. If Steve Austin so much as gets an "unplanned" scratch, he's out for two weeks. The Undertaker has a broken ankle, BROKEN, and he still performs better than those hump pieces of shit Kane, Steve Austin, and HHH, who takes MONTHS off for every injury and still sucks just as bad when he comes back. The Undertaker's total time of absence for injuries in his nearly 9 year career with the WWF totals around a few months. He was out in 1994 for 8 months because of a kid being born, and later even divorced because of wrestling, much like Steve Austin, and if you hate what I'm saying, because it's the truth, I'm actually proud of you in a way because you've gotten this far without having an aneurism, don't even think of saying, "Duh well he was gone for 8 months he was probably hurt" cause he WASN'T you idiot, and if you were around to KNOW he was gone for 8 months in 1994, you probably hate Steve Austin as much as I do because retarded Austin fans came about a cuople years ago. But the Undertaker's will to stay with wrestling makes him all that much better of an athlete, than the inept Steve Austin. The Undertaker only takes time off when he has surgery. SURGERY. This means that he competes on ANY kind of injury that just about everyone else jumps ship with. You know, it's guys like the Undertaker, Mankind, and Sabu (who wrestlers with compressed vertebrae in his neck constantly, and one time had a table leg break his jaw, and appoxied his mouth shut and taped it so he could wrestle) that make me proud to be a wrestler, because they love the business, and their hearts are in it. They want to entertain you. But no, Steve Austin wants to curse, give you the finger, and do the worst move wrestling has ever seen, and wrestling calls that entertainment. It's down right disgraceful, pitiful, pathetic, disheartening, and shameful. The grotesque nature in which wrestling has been reduced to now is dispicable. I'm still in awe over the fact that there's a kid with a broken neck because he landed the Stunner wrong. Yeah great, there's your fans Austin. Little pieces of shit too. Just about everytime I see a little Austin puke it's a fat little stupid kid, cursing at his mother 'Cause Stone Drunk said so. And their disgusting Austin t-shirts. What a manufactured piece of corporate shit. The Undertaker NEVER had to be pushed like this. He won his matches, was invinsible, and rightfully so, and the people LOVED his gimmick. Until the WWF changes something, I will never be able to get any kind of fame, for my ability, and Steve Austin is the sole cause of this.

Do you want to hear the emotion behind this? Or perhaps your an illiterate Austin fan? Hear the words here.